There are more lights on the horizon than there were when I was a kid. And the sky was darker then. Many times I've lost myself in self-hate and denial of truth. Of course! Life never happens the way I think it will. Is the future here? Is this real? And when I've stared at this computer screen for enough hours, I start to feel small. And I forget that I have a body that can move.

I remember feeling this way when I was young.
oblivious to scale, my heart is a planet.
I lie down and my head swells.

a few bits and pieces from older blogs

I bought strawberries today from a girl with skinny legs
she was sitting in a patriotic lawn chair and reading a book called "summer love"
when she smiled at me I think she drooled a little bit

- - -

The Aryans are partying next door
my thoughts make the air brittle
and their voices break it
if I said I hate them
for being so loud and white
I would be hypocritical
I would be racist
and I would be wrong

- - -

all my imagining strips the world naked
dirty hills, grassless, uncovered

in my imaginings of trees,
forests are flattened

and there is a forest somewhere
smiling with a green I cant see.

and there is a river rolling somewhere
smooth with water I have never touched

and both are colder and softer
and both are warmer than I know

some nights I sink too far into the ground
to places I'm afraid I'll never be found
and when I finally climb up out of my hole...
the surface is unforgiving, nothing to console

there's a mermaid in the sky with a silky tail
she flies low
parallel to the ground for a while
and then zips up above the clouds

mermaid of the clouds,
I am a man of the grass

my love, my trash

there's a mermaid in my mind with silver scales
hair as dark as the sea
and she's flying right over me

and I'm afraid she won't notice me
down here
but in the morning,
the clouds touch the field behind my house
and I can feel my heart
lift