Holy One.

i can't think about the days i lived without you in my heart.

i don't know if i was ever even alive before you. before today.

you have given me a new life. more than just a new outlook.

try and forget you. i can't. live without you now?

it's not even a possibility.

i'm trying now to leave behind me the past regrets and remembered wounds.

the only wounds that matter are the ones on your hands.

embroidered onto the fabric of my soul.

1

these days push us forward. we stand on the protruding stern of a sinking ship. all possibilities must be explored. all options considered. let heart lead the way. these days, stay smart.

these days, there's so much to look forward to. these days we aren't as much of what we once were
as we think we are these days. we were always looking for a new way to get down, but check it out... there are new secrets being passed around.

stay gold. remember. there's a part of you that will never die. there's a promise buried somewhere in your chest. you're not exactly sure where it is but you know that you can't lose it.

have heart, these days are going to make you stronger.

beach plums

i'm a normal jealous selfish human being wrestling with a broken heart. i try to raise myself above the pain. after hours of frantic pacing i remind myself i can't walk on water. i fall in. deep. i swim back to the shore. lying on the sand, feeling dirty. still in love with you. remembering when it didn't feel wrong... eating beach plums.

aquarius rising

there's a day on its way
to you: an hour for tears
followed by an hour
where all eyes become clear.

a dream in the morning:
something to hold on to
to keep your heart locked
in the right
(so you know it's true).

and we will finally know
who we are. and we will
remember what we're here
to do. and we as one light will
walk out of this nightmare
for good.

don't read this please

1. I remember a feast. A table top crammed with every kind of food I never liked. I ate it all (but a few scraps for the dog), brushed the crumbs off my lap, pet the dog, washed my hands, turned on the TV and dozed off.

2. I tolerate the saxophone every now and then. Most of the time it's when I'm at the end of Thunder Road and it almost makes me smile then.

3. I can't promise I will ever tell the truth, but I usually do. Number 1 is obviously false because I don't have a dog and I don't really like them all that much anyway.

4. I might not have told the truth in number 3 because I might like dogs. It's possible.

5. I wonder if dogs like saxophones, or if saxophones piss off the dogs...

6. When I was 12 or something I cried because I saw my friend smoking a cigarette which is funny to think about because I might actually cry today if I don't have a cigarette (which is likely, because I don't have any).

7. I don't know anything about the future... obviously I am not going to cry tonight. That means I am more of a liar than I thought. If I keep talking like I do, people might catch on to the fact that I don't actually know anything about this or you or that or them.

8. And Number 7: for the record, I know I'm not stupid I just understand that it's very hard to know anything.

9. Ok, I'm a little bit stupid... or at least I'm not as smart as I'd like to be.

10. None of this is an attempt to be logical. None of this is expected to be insightful.

11. I was born with a copper skull. What does that mean?

12. I was going to go all the way to number 17 or 20 or 25 or 27 but I'm stopping at 12 because I hate finishing things.

13. I mean, I hate doing things the way that I had originally planned because thats just so boring.

recycled words in twelve zodiacal chapters

12:22 am
3/22/07
Sun in Aries

I went home last night
This morning I woke up as a baby
with a message from an earth friend
it's a beautiful day
and I'm so glad
to be back

(I remember grass in 9 colors.
I remember squirming on the floor;
my knees tight with panic.
The sky was hanging low that morning...
I remember you in 2 colors.
Like the mountains:
like the sea.)

.......................................................

8:12 pm
5/19/07
Sun in Taurus.

a wrinkly skinned man
turns his fingers slowly 'round
an imaginary doorknob
in front of him

as days pass,
his body slowly folds
until his forehead touches
the grass and eventually
melts right in

.......................................................

7:45 pm
5/30/07
Sun in Gemini.

FOR HATE:
I have killed
I have died

.......................................................

3:27 pm
7/15/07
Sun in Cancer.

A Jackass came to the farm today wearing blue dockers shorts and tall white socks.
He told his children that they couldn't go see the donkey because he heard thunder.
They went inside and ate donuts. 10 minutes later it started raining and it was beautiful.

........................................................

1:58 am
8/18/07
Sun in Leo.

There are wings in the attic
restless, like me
There are words up there
beating on the windows

........................................................

8:16 pm
9/10/07
Sun in Virgo.

From seven to eight: I spent an hour in the crypt
to blur the border between image and script
and there are things I know I'll never know
though if there's one thing that I'm sure of...
I'll be damned if I let her go

.....................................................

11:32 am
9/27/07
Sun in Libra.

I dream of airports; high security
and gardens; somewhere to flee to
someday I'll take that morning bus
that will bring me home to you
and we'll go sailing
just you and me

.....................................................

2:00 am
10/23/07
Sun in Scorpio.

I listened hard for silence in the crashing waves of traffic going by my window
but I'm not fast enough to hear it
I've been trying to find a surface that I won't slip off of
a steady ledge, maybe something to hold onto
I am scouting the wilderness for that kneeling landscape
that will re-open my heart
and feed color to my eyes

......................................................

8:12 pm
12/6/07
Sun in Sagittarius.

I, He, I, She, I, The Breath, I
the living, the lively, the dying, the lost
drink of this cup, eat of this bread
all you lovely, all you lonely
all you children, dance with me
I, You, I, We, I, The Dance, I

Cry out, "Oh, My Lord!"
Cry out to me, and know
that you are my Love.

Child, know that you are my Love.

..........................................................
7:54 pm
1/13/05
Sun in Capricorn

Summer wind stirs music in my heart
Words burst from the night sky
A brave song for
You

Desire makes willows creak and
All I am is wild longing

Thrashing leaves against
Battered
Timbers

Two in love become
One moon
Dancing in a field of stars

.......................................................

9:40 pm
3/1/07
Sun in Aquarius

wet sky: cold wind
I remember grass in 9 colors
and smell the ghosts of earthworms

slow panic: grinding stones
all these half filled notebooks
and blunted pencils taking up space

..................................................................

3:16 am
3/9/08
Sun in Pisces.

oh future child, you've grown too weak
but your hands never get as cold as your feet


3/14/07

"you remind me of Jesus" I sputtered.

She looked at me through the water with her eyes open wide, breathing out bubbles, her hair gracefully dancing toward the surface. "you remind me of matchbox cars".


3/20/06

In love, I am reborn into the sky
the universe has never felt so safe
the stars have never been so bright

...........................................................

Years have passed and I'm not exactly what I meant to be. 

I'm closer to death when I thought that I'd be further away. 

Is this guilt pushing out from the inside 

self punishment for a good life? 

Am I pretending that I'm trying to lose 

because I always knew I wasn't born to lose? 

Am I trying to be just like you? 

Tell me, why would I want to be just like you?

You spend your whole life just trying to get through: 

drugged up passed out, you'd rather die than know the truth. 

And of course my disguise won't fool you.

What was I thinking? 

I can't hide no matter what I do.

Did I honestly believe that I'd slip away? 

Unnoticed, unaccountable, and afraid? 

Every time I tried to stand alone  

I heard a voice inside my head that said 

"you're not alone".

So I guess the era of transparency is here.

nothing's hidden. 

we have no choice but to be sincere.

It's about time I own up to the damage that I've done.

learn from my mistakes

and turn around to face the new sun.

 

There are more lights on the horizon than there were when I was a kid. And the sky was darker then. Many times I've lost myself in self-hate and denial of truth. Of course! Life never happens the way I think it will. Is the future here? Is this real? And when I've stared at this computer screen for enough hours, I start to feel small. And I forget that I have a body that can move.

I remember feeling this way when I was young.
oblivious to scale, my heart is a planet.
I lie down and my head swells.

a few bits and pieces from older blogs

I bought strawberries today from a girl with skinny legs
she was sitting in a patriotic lawn chair and reading a book called "summer love"
when she smiled at me I think she drooled a little bit

- - -

The Aryans are partying next door
my thoughts make the air brittle
and their voices break it
if I said I hate them
for being so loud and white
I would be hypocritical
I would be racist
and I would be wrong

- - -

all my imagining strips the world naked
dirty hills, grassless, uncovered

in my imaginings of trees,
forests are flattened

and there is a forest somewhere
smiling with a green I cant see.

and there is a river rolling somewhere
smooth with water I have never touched

and both are colder and softer
and both are warmer than I know

some nights I sink too far into the ground
to places I'm afraid I'll never be found
and when I finally climb up out of my hole...
the surface is unforgiving, nothing to console

there's a mermaid in the sky with a silky tail
she flies low
parallel to the ground for a while
and then zips up above the clouds

mermaid of the clouds,
I am a man of the grass

my love, my trash

there's a mermaid in my mind with silver scales
hair as dark as the sea
and she's flying right over me

and I'm afraid she won't notice me
down here
but in the morning,
the clouds touch the field behind my house
and I can feel my heart
lift

a stolen frame
not in the glass

not seen through a crystal
but always in line for a cup

a clear shot
time in between
and somehow I know its right

A trick you didn't see coming
another chance to start running

being held...
taking orders.